I've started incorporating the monolouges and diary entries i've written since i was young, into my art pieces. Here's the latest one, i wrote it today and was inspired by the spoon theory. :)
RINSE AND REPEAT
Yes.
For the last ten years you've seen me run around the city and i drank you under the table every night. I've gone out, not slept, gone to work for a full day then rinsed and repeated. You've seen me be able to go out every day. You've been with me to music festivals where we traipsed around the country not caring about if we were tired because a coffee would solve everything. You've seen me drive, walk and run. You've seen me want to go out at 1am, stay up until 6am.
We put my emotional wellbeing down to depression and anxiety because i barely have a mother, because i went through a dodgy relationship, because i have low self-esteem.
However....
Things have changed. And yes, they've changed in a year and a half. There are reasons, there are things happening. I can’t do that stuff anymore because I have other things to think about. Like my day….what am I going to do today?
When i wake up in the morning, i lie there for a minute to see what hurts and what's sore so i an mentally judge what medication i need. I then need to make sure i get up and not fall back to sleep. I keep it by my bedside so that i can take it straight away and it doesn't take too long to kick in. When i make the short distance to my couch to catch my breath and relax for a second, i put the TV on and wait for the meds to start working. I really would like to sit here with a cup of tea while i wait but the kitchen is all the way over there and i'll have to wash a mug because i couldn't do the dishes last night, so i don't bother. Then i'm able to shower which helps but i have to then use some more medication because its a suppository and i need to use that in the shower. Then the meds have kicked in so i usually start singing and thinking about what underwear and clothes i can wear that day. My digestion is feeling a little full so a couple of bras and a tighter mid section dress are out. So i find a dress and get ready for work. By this time my meds have fully kicked in so i feel normal. I'm out the door and off to work. Leaving behind a filthy, untidy house because all my spoons have been delegated towards work yesterday and today.
I get to work and start my job, an hour later i realise i'm starting to slide so i go to take my medication. However, i just remembered that i forgot to replenish my pill pack so i'm out. I'm going to have to keep going. Luckily it's not a bad cycle and its not the worst week.
So, then i finish work. I go home, i'm supposed to go to the shops and by food but i need to take my meds. I sit on the couch for a while until they kick in and then i start to tidy up. An hour later, i'm exhausted and the place looks worse than it did when i started.The dishes still aren't done. I manage to make it to the shops, i even walk!! That's a nice little bonus.
I come home and take more meds, put the shopping away, have something for dinner i probably shouldn't eat but because the place is so untidy i don't want to cook. I sit on the couch and stay there till bedtime. I can't even be bothered to play a video game or read. I find a pen and start to draw on myself. Then i take more meds and go to bed.
When i wake up the next morning, lying there trying to decipher the pains...i can feel new ones. Ones that were caused from what i did the day before, walking to the shops, going to work, tidying the house. And they hurt. I won't say or ever tell you the extent, you will never know. But i guarantee. It hurts. I'm feeling a little sad today too, for no reason. Just not instantly peppy like normal and realise it's also coming up to a full moon and i know that my cycle is around the full moon and i will be an emotional roller-coaster. So i also lay there thinking about what i put my family through in my hormone induced outbreaks that i just can't control, that my BF will get fed up and leave because i'm too much to handle, that my friends will walk away because i can't do anything with them alot of the time. And i feel sadder. But i also know that it's just hormones so i need to shake it off.
I reach for the meds...rinse and repeat.
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